Postmarked August 22 1995
to M in Kansas City from E in smalltown Kansas

M-
I haven't heard much from you lately - not to force a reply, I was just a little lonely and I felt like writing - not so much lonely as alone, because I am enjoying this isolation now as a quite rare occurrence that I have taken to accepting whenever I have the chance.

Although I am not finding them quite as insipid now as I last told you, I see them far too much. I am trying to read "Remembrance of Things Past" by Marcel Proust and haven't been able to read a single page of it without someone attempting to pull me from the book into some confusion about boredom or where their boyfriend is at, unless I'm reading after work because none of them seem to be looking for anything at seven in the morning. To explain that I've started working the graveyard shift (11-7) at a factory just outside of town. I am very glad not to be working in food service anymore but I'll be leaving this job soon because I'm getting ready to leave in two or three weeks and because as much as I enjoyed the job - the work is rather easy and the people in my department are diverse enough to be very interesting, we often took breaks and I was making $240 a week - as much as I liked it, the place is far too unsafe to keep working there; which wouldn't have bothered me too much until I was

injured. I had been cutting one of the large parts we make there out of the piece of plastic that it had been stamped into with what I later found out was a grinder that had been turned into a saw by screwing a blade onto the end of it, when the blade broke and sent a piece of itself into my face. Fortunately it only cut my lip and knocked out three teeth which has caught most people as a strange thing to be relieved about but if I had to chose where in my face to catch a blade my teeth wouldn't be the worst of choices. I've already ad the stitches taken out and my teeth will be fixed either Tuesday or Wednesday morning.

This letter probably seems to be occurring a bit late according to the date on the front but I didn't get a chance to start writing on it again until Monday. I should find places to write where people won't find me. This is most of the writing I've been doing lately. I believe I've only written three poems this summer, but I'm thinking of trying prose again. I don't believe it is lack of inspiration(although this it has been a bit scarce) so much as I think I am afraid of not being able to write anything good. I've known this for a while and where it came from I'm not sure, but now I just need some sort of motivation.

Oh, I did read something by Anais Nin, I remember you telling me I should. It wasn't one of her novels but I was very impressed with it - really, beyond what I would expect, even from someone I was recommended to read. The book was The Novel of the Future, which is why I'm reading Marcel Proust - because of several references to him in the book as a wonderful example of writing from the dream.

Anyway, I should try to sleep now. I hope you are doing well. I'll try to keep writing. Miss you always. Love E.

PS The thing about wanting to be a lesbian only ended up lasting a day or two which I am happy about because wanting that type of thing can make for some very desperate times. But I think I know now what was causing it and I am surprised I didn't figure it out while I was writing that odd letter. Maybe the cover band distracted me. Oh well, no use running backwards about this right now. I'll see you soon.

April 13

M -
Your invitation came to me a couple of days ago finding me a but more wealthy than happy or pleased (imagine) but your letter quickly pleased me and I truly believe that happiness is forthcoming.

Ah, my dear friend and half of all the Tong Del Eris, it was only the other day that I was thinking of the library wondering if it was to suffer the same fate as many plans, so brilliant as ours, often have. The invitation renewed my fait and I have since been thinking of it quite passionately. If we are to build it ourselves I thought that somewhere near A might be ideal since it won't be so close to Pittsburg that someone might find it and so that any future Tong Del Eris and ourselves will most likely already have a reason for being in that area.

I am almost entirely out of the habit of correspondence now. Somehow I have acquired some distractions the most recent being two guys named Reven and Peter. I've been taking them to Cafe Lena and Peter seems to be in love with Alice (insane Alice). I met Reven at Common Grounds, when he dropped a note in my lap from the other side of the two couches facing away from one another. We exchanged notes and origami until the place closed and never looked at or spoke to each other until I stood up to leave and he handed me a paper shrimp. I think it was the first time I was involved in living art.

I am anxious to farther discuss the library... but perhaps through the mail is not the safest way. When we speak, as you say we soon shall, we can discuss the final details.

love E

Postmarked: January 25 1997
To M in smalltown Kansas from E in Portland Oregon

M- I got the magazine in the mail only a few days after sending Valis, but I did send it to N before a week passed. I can understand why you would identify with him. Although I don't as much myself (which is not to say that the article bored me, I thought it was fascinating) I might have thought of you had I just read it by accident as much as what he has done sounds like what I have heard you talk abotu for years.

I've been trying to write this for far too long now. I eel bad that this is my second letter to your four so I hope that I finish this one. Since my car broke down I've been having to leave for work at 8am and then, taking it home, I don't get back until 8pm. This, though I won't blame it entirely, has left me with a potent lack of motivation. I have been writing a little which seems to be a good measure of how I'm doing overall. You know how sometimes in the Sunday comics, the color is printed a few millimeters off of the black line drawings? That's how I feel.

"I Heard it Through the Grapevine" just came on in Common Grounds and I remembered sitting around in J's room, when we were in middle school, listening to this and the Beastie Boys on J's turntable and him rapping in perfect sync with a Dj Jazzy Jess 45, "....rock-n-rolla, coca-cola...." Well I've got my nostalgia to run off of for a while.

K and I finally made it to another open mike together I think that we might see each other quite often except that we never seem to be able to get ahold of each other. I keep leaving messages and Valerie keeps telling me "some guy named K called"

I finally kept a pen until it started failing so now I'm using my dip pen set.

About the film you mentioned in your letter; I would love to be involved in any way you would like me to hope. If I do come up with any ideas for it I'll either write to you about them or I'll tell you when I visit on February 3-10.

I can't thank you enough for the leters. I often feel that you've been the only focal point giving me some kind of perspective to hold into. So that I don't just forget the last 19 years of my life.

I wan to mail this now so I don't leave it to collect dust and irrelevance. See you in a week.

I love you, E

September 12 1995
Monday 1:13 am
M- Thank you for the letter. I was pleased to hear that your stories are going so smoothly and you're right about scheduling them. Whenever I become frustrated and try to force them they become so contorted to their purpose I am usually disgusted by them later. But beyond the herbal injury it is good to hear you're doing well.

I am a little worried about J. He did seem to have finally overcome his idleness, which you mentioned, but I was told that he hasn't looked for a job and that when he found out that the school he wanted to go to was more than he believed he could afford, he decided to return to Pittsburg before thanksgiving, but as trapped as he seems, he attempts such things often enough that I don't think he could be confined to this town forever. Eventually he should find something that works.

I attempted to finish this letter much earlier but my life has been somewhat uneventful but unusually pleasant and I didn't care to write a letter to the equivalent of "Doing well what's up with you?" But despite this paranoia my teeth were finally fixed so I am closer still to leaving this town. Oh, and I will most happily visit you on my way out. Thank you for the number, I will call before I leave.

N called me from her house I believe on the same day I got your letter. It was wonderful to see her again - I have missed both of you immensely - and she seems terribly happy with portland.

Tuesday 9:40 pm I met with Rh and Sg at the coffee shop today "Hello" from them both. Well, I am a but disappointed with the sloppiness of this letters form but I have run entirely out of things to write about. If all goes well I shall see you in a few weeks. Love E

M -
Only one hour til sunrise and the one productive thing I have done (I am working on the second) was setting my clock right. My brother bought a computer game and after he went to sleep I played it the rest of the night, so now I feel robbed of my day. I shall not allow myself to even watch it tomorrow!

You were right about me being upset in the letter I wrote, but I am feeling much better about my situation, which makes a strange epilogue to my newest story.

If you had not noticed that the last letter I sent was postmarked from Lawrence, well..... it was. The reason being that J and I drove there to see And to see if my car was working well, and while I was there I mailed it from A's house rather than wait a day. The story is that after taking J home my car would no longer shift out of first. Since car stories are as dull to listen to as to write, I'll just say, it was fixed once and is being fixed again Monday.

Still, I am confident.

I'll have to finish this later. My mind keeps wandering, most likely from watching a screen so long. I'll probably dream about running through mazes.

It was difficult to tell from your letter if you were happy about the mile stone that you and B reached. If so I am happy for you.

I saw a few of my friends today that are still in high school. Some that I normally don't see, I mean. They were in a play at PHS and I spoke to them afterwards. I miss being at school sometimes. But that is most likely because the only advantage I have seen is no longer being as neurotic as high school will make you. But I am working on the rest. I am still trying to write but what about? I refuse to write anymore "Hate this town" poetry.

Thank you for the book recommendation. I'll most likely start reading it the day I leave to see you, but I am still reading "Remembrance" and some of Anais Nin's diary. If I finish them both before I start Cosmic Trigger then I will be very disorganized. I hope to be reading it soon. Love E

November 9 1995

M - Unfortunately I did not receive your postcard but I am still very determined to leave. I have decided to get the car fixed whether I am able to afford it or not, and if not then I shall get a job to get the money back, I am a little disgusted with my procrastination. I am afraid that I have allowed inconvenience to become an obstacle, such as not having a ride back from the auto-shop. Thursday I shall walk if I have to (I am reaching E to drive tomorrow otherwise I would do it then.)

I should write more often. I only seem to be aware of my stagnation when I write, and as I am not writing much I have done very little with my time. Even my dreams tell me this. Every time I receive a letter from someone I feel guilty about still being here. It's good for me I suppose. I must finish this soon.

I hope you enjoy your loafing time. It sounds as though you could use some from what I heard about the hours you work. Sorry the letter is so short. Thank you for the post card and having me remember what I should be doing. As always I hope y see you soon. Love E

january 27th
M-
As unnerving as the first week was I am feeling very settled here. I am renting a room from a last in the southeast and I found a job although I am sure to quit soon. The work is not terribly difficult but my job is to walk around neighborhoods, knocking on people's doors and asking them for their signature and 35 dollars to pass a proposal to expand a recycling bill. None of it has been too disagreeable except meeting a 90 dollar quota off the public's generosity. But I should be able to keep at it until I find a more agreeable job.

Coffee shops are inescapable here. and although several of them aren't as alternative/retro 50-80's poly-pop culture oriented as some, these unfortunately are terribly crowded. From what I ear it is due to an article published in the paper.

Slightly discouraging are the high bus fare and the fact that my car sits 33 blocks from my house unable to start but since my hob and grocery stores are close to my house the need to fix it is not urgent. I am writing this from one of the crowded coffee shops so I will continue this when the atmosphere is more settling.

February 2 1996 I have not written for a few days because nothing interesting has happened. I lost my job at OSPIRG (environmental job) after not meeting the $90 daily quota after four days and have been spending most of my time looking for a job and the rest with a friend named L that I met at OSPIRG who suffered the same fate. I have not seen very much of N but I was able to fix my car and I plan on visiting her tomorrow.

The weather here has not been too unpleasant although the news doesn't seem to agree. After one day of high winds and the temperature being in the twenties the past week, to listen to the radio or tv you would think Christ had returned to punish the sinners -

I tried to record a radio program about immortality to send to you but the host obviously did not believe in or care about the subject. Someone called in to say that he did not experience time linearly and was about ti discuss what man could expect in the next decade or two (which was beginning to sound like what I had read in Cosmic Trigger) when the host told him, without explanation, that the caller was mortal so how could he possibly know, then cut him off the air. I'll never trust Am radio again.

Writing is coming slowly, but more than it was before. Let me try again. I am writing more than I had been before.

Pittsburg is as stagnant as ever from what I hear. I do miss some people, not as many as I thought I might, which makes me think that pretending was part of my turmoil but although a few days have been difficult I do feel quite at ease.

I am hoping to get my own hone line but until then my number is (503) 236-3238

I feel that as soon as I find a job will be truly infatuated with this city. Already it seems familiar but still? Fascinating and I hope you are doing at least as well. Through your letters you kept me motivated more than anything else did.

Should you call between Sunday and Thursday try to call before 9:30 (bizarre rule) which I suppose is actually 11:30 in Kansas.

Hopefully I'll have a job the next time I write. Wish me luck. Love E

December 22 1995

M-
I honestly believe that my only obstacle now is Christmas (which I should spend here with my family) after which I should be able to get on with this plan already delayed five months. Everything else seems to be in place, but I won't mention it anymore, as it usually brings me bad luck.

Cosmic Trigger has been fascinating. I started reading i the day I bought it despot what I wrote before. I think I had begun to give up on ever leaving at the time. Anyway, I had actually been interested in the subject before buying the book but I had a very vague idea of the subject and none as to where I should look.

I am afraid that my only amusing ale is of the day I was blessed with a bit of pointless psychic power, where after having a dream where one of my sweaters seemed to play an important role I woke to din that it had materialized hanging from my doorknob. Taking this as a hint I wore the sweater and unless the dream was my subconscious not trusting me to dress warmly on the first snow of the year, wearing the sweater seemed to fit no keyhole of fate in my life except to grant me one more parlor trick of ESP later that day. I cashed a check at Dillons and although did not know the cashier I felt I would see her later in a different setting. I haven't made a habit out of going to parties lately but I went to one that night at J.m.'s house and she was there. This also opened no doors of opportunity but I was amused for the evening.


I hope you are doing well. Tell me if you plan to come down anytime soon. I am afraid last time I saw you I was in a somewhat lost and non-responsive mood.

I have managed to dins a way to keep myself amused. (Two friends) and I are writing a documentary about Southeast Kansas and we are going to try to get the equipment we need and film it. I don't think it will be as silly as it sounds though.

I have started sleeping earlier now and as nice as it was being awake by myself at night it has become most inconvenient lately. My writing is so confused when I'm tired but I believe I take these things too seriously anyway. Good night. Love E

March 14 1996
M -
I do not remember what I had accomplished by the time you called me so at the risk of redundancy: I have found a job working at a temporary service which has me cleaning the basement of a flood damaged craft store, a but menial but not too stressful and I shall finally be paying rent without withdrawing any of the money I had saved in Pittsburg.

It appears that by moving into Valerie's house I have also inadvertently moved within two blocks of what has been called "the cultural hub" of, at least, the southeast of Portland, this being Hawthorn blvd. with coffee shops fully sprouted from the walls of every theatre, bookstore and gas station on its sidewalks ad enormous panes of glass used to their fullest against any spt here one might otherwise run the risk of not being seen. I may mock it a bit but it is not as abrasive as I might make it sound and actually is a quite wonderful place to lie, the area being quite accommodating and the people often aggressively friendly, although I do not care to completely assimilate myself into its rhythm just yet.

I heard that you shall be spending some time in Pittsburg soon, assisting he direction of a play was it? A told this to me when he called this week and also said that J was playing the lead role in the same play Bus Stop I think, I also heard, from Jennifer when I finally saw her again, that you were thinking of spending some time in Portland eventually. This makes me very happy of course but I hope that your plans for Asia are also going well.

(line omitted)

Today feels like a very normal day so far. Yesterday was a bit odd; my landlady, Valerie, threw a break-in-the-new-tv-with-a-pay-per-view-Tyson-fight-and-lots-beer party but I, not caring for beer, boxing, or Valerie's friends from work, managed to escape the event. I did get a call from P that day and wit the calls I had received from my parents and A I had more to tell her about Pittsburg than she had to tell me. Also unusual was the number of calls I had this week, no more than I have already mentioned but until Friday I had heard from no one in at least a month. I did speak to L as well. She had just broken up with her boyfriend of three yeas so she was feeling quite melancholy. I think she is blaming it on astrology.

I discovered today that while I am not making an incredible amount of money, I am living well within my means having saved next months rent by the 15th without sacrificing food or the occasional fringe. I did o to a party at someone's house in the far southeast which was swelling with people all of whom seemed modernized hippies with very little deviation from this theme except for me and the four people I arrived with. A bit large of a party for my tastes but as it had been quite some time since I had been at a party of any kind I did enjoy it.

All being said I hope this reaches you before you leave for Pittsburg.
Love and singularity -E

11:32 am April 7
M -
I'm writing to you from my bedroom at our new house. I should probably be sleeping because I'm taking my ACT in the morning and then going, late, to work. But I'm really not tired.

Our new house is nice. It is a lot bigger than our old one was. It has a garage, more rooms, two floors and a basement, a sun porch, windows that won't open, and a evil energy that will deteriorate your soul if you ever try to introvert here, I hate this place. But I don't spend a lot of time here. Usually just to sleep.

I am listening to cars peel out on Broadway, my room is never darker than a dim glow from the streetlights and signs. Makes it a little hard to sleep.

I finally have my parents believing that I'll probably be home whenever I like, now. I plan on moving out this summer. I'm not sure where . I suppose it's a little strange that I'm taking the ACT right now. I don't plan to need it for quite a while. J is finally going to take his though. He's going to PSU this fall. I saw his apartment today. It's small, but he lives close to the coffee shop h works at. We have two coffee shops now.

I went to a meeting at one of them the other day. Something about getting art out into the community.

Anyway

After the meeting Db (if you don't know who these people are, just pretend you do. It's not that exciting to explain) told me that Np was speaking at the next meeting. Db had heard from someone that I was a good poet and wanted e to read at the next meeting. My first publicity.

The poetry you sent me was very good. Since much of it was about love in one way or another, I'll share a love story of mine with you.

Chapter I
Sometime in early February I saw P again. After speaking to each other in tones somewhere between "I missed you" and "I'm sorry we never fucked" and we ended up kissing before I left and I drove back home thinking "I don't feel that way about her anymore."

Chapter II
I had been hanging out at *'s house quite often. The thing with P happened a week ago, but was over by now. So, I'm at *'s house and that night we ended up kissing, a lot. We start going out. A month later I write a poem for her. A rather good one I believe, even for a love poem. "Love" a word I don't often use. Anyway, we both have been quite happy so far. I lose my virginity to her. She says she loves me. The day before (I leave with several friends) for Spring Break, * does a good job of ignoring me. After we get back, she does an even better job of it until I talked to her about it last Monday. She says she just wants to date me rather than have a relationship.

Epilogue
I pretend that I am alright with this for two days. Wednesday night I talk to her again. We break up. I spend a long time (still am) wishing that memories didn't exist.

11:20 pm April 9 OK I just realized that what I wrote Friday sounds somewhat neurotic. But anyway I took my ACT and I knew most of it but I kept running out of time. I suppose I could be a truck driver.

This letter probably won't be done for a day or two. My letters are usually a work-in-progress for a while. We've got the windows open in the house now. I think eating sponges would be good for you digestive system. Sorry, I'm mocking my own writing.

I'm having another poetry reading on Friday the 14th. Good Friday as well. Maybe we'll crucify something. But if you can possibly come to Pittsburg Friday please do. You write beautifully and I want to talk to you again. I've missed you.
-E

Wednesday 5:30 am
M -
I got your letter a couple of days ago The always seem to arrive when I am in most need of their company. Thank you again.

Well, it's 10:00 pm on Thursday now. I decided to go to sleep yesterday so I didn't get very far. A few days ago I was told, by him, that J was going to move to Tennessee and that he was to leave on a bus Wednesday (Yesterday), and remembering what would have been a four hour layover in Joplin when we rode the bus, and I told him that I could take him that far. The details of this story would be uninteresting since nothing happened beyond us driving to Joplin saying goodbye and leaving, him on a bus, me in a car. I was happy that he was going though because he is trying to save money for college and won't have to pay rent when he gets there. Also, he'll only be gone for four months. I did tell him that you said hi, he says hi as well.

My teeth were not replaced the dat I believed they would be. Instead, on that day, the numbed my face, made me bite a piece of purple urithane, and told me that they would call me and sent me home. I hope this doesn't delay my plans to leave too long, which have changed somewhat.I have decided on my trip lasting only slightly less than a year. The reason for this is that I do want to go to college sometimes and if I were to move to Colorado I would have to stay one year to become

a resident - avoiding out of state tuition - and another year until I am twenty-one so that college loans would be easier and although I would not mind waiting two years, I would much rather have the choice. Also have decided - though not solidly, I still amy just move - that rather than staying in Colorado that I would like to travel in that time. A year would give me some time to do this and I would not lose residency in Kansas so I may still come back and go to school in Pittsburg or possibly somewhere else in the state. I do believe I will be happier with this. Colorado is a beautiful place but I have always wanted to see more of this country as well as others and after thinking about it, I realized that Colorado was just way of attaining what I truly desired in a simple and a most impatient manner. I would be escaping some of what left me dreamlessly disenchanted here but what would I gain? I would have done nothing of what I wanted save simple action to lose what I didn't want and honestly after living here for nineteen years - all my life - I do love some things about it. So what a terrible misjudgment of my nature to simply move somewhere else. I didn't fully realize this until I started writing about it to you now. So I suppose I'll be many places next year, to answer the question from your last letter. I'll try to keep a place where I can be reached. I don't think I could sacrifice hearing from you for a year. Well thank you for the opportunity to figure that part of my life out. Tell me if you think I'm just overreacting. Love E.

PS I was happy to hear you are writing again even if it took such drastic means. I have always respected such realizations. Although they often seem abstract I suppose this is far more real than anything that might seem so. I hope I might have the strength for such things.

Postmarked: June 10 1997
To M in Kansas City from E in Portland Oregon

M -
Lately I have begun to feel that I am losing sight of all the important facets of my life. Not through any injustice or victimization but through my own weakness. I do exaggerate sometimes but if I have in the first sentence, the second I certainly did not.

Most painful to me is the thought that I have taken our friendship for granted having done very little to keep in touch with you. I haven't entirely forgotten. I did call a few times but they were all when you were gone. With this letter (if I don't call first) I plan to end my negligence. God knows you're the only one who ca stay in touch with me.

This last trip to Kansas was the first time I can remember feeling that one part of my life has ended. If not my youth then the first part of it. Everything I have seen the people I saw people and the things that they had done up until now coming with the end or to consequence. Among other examples, J has a well paying desk job!

I was very happy for you to hear about the show that you sold. If the photography you sent me is any indicator f the pieces in the show I can easily understand its success.

Muriel! I'm living in a cheezy Gen-X soap opera. I won't relate it all now because it's a hideously long story as it is and all of my pens are rather running out of ink. Having been forced to listen to a few personal dramas myself, I know they're about as entertaining as watching a soap opera with a scrambled picture.

I should be moving back by the end of this month or early next month. Either way I would like to stop by and see if you're still around. If not, tell me all about Ithaca.

Still you friend, with deepest love, E.
P.S. Van Morrisson just hasn't been the same without you.

Postmarked: April 5 1996
To M in smalltown Kansas from E in Portland Oregon

M -
I had today off from my new job (good Friday being the reason) at a paint ware house which in the end is a better job than cleaning basements and probably pays better but to be honest I have no idea what I am being pad for this job. According to the temp service I won't be making less than $5.50 so at least it is not less than my basement job. I seem to be doing rather well financially though. It is not a week into the month and I have already saved my rent for next month. Perhaps I should buy some furniture. At least a bed.

The only thing I dislike about the job is that working with numbered boxes that need to be organized does not leaves ones mind as open to the brain spelunking that I have enjoyed t my other jobs

I went to the Green Room, where N works, hoping to catch her there but to no avail. Unless I can find her there sometimes I will have to wait for another chance meeting.

April 6 1996 Thank you very much for your letters and the books. The three of them came in two days and I was quite thrilled. L (still the only person I have met here) seemed desperate to borrow the Egyptian Love Poems but since she told me this I have not been able to reach her. I am having terrible luck finding people lately so it has mostly been working, a little writing a lot of reading and visits to the coffees hop and grocery store for me.

I did discover today though, that D is moving to Boston with one of her boy friends so V is looking for a roommate now rather than a tenant and has asked me if I would like to share the house as well rather than just rent the room (after a small rent adjustment) and I think that I will do this since I have felt quite intrusive since I moved in. Also, D, no longer having any use for her bed, has offered it to me after she moves out. So it seems that this week has resolved problems for me both physiological and psychological for me.

That you plans for travel are going well is wonderful news and if you should need somewhere to stay hen you arrive, it looks as though I may be in a position to offer one soon. I would advise against my motivational tactics of last year; waiting absolutely stagnant until boredom puts any risk into favorable perspective.

My mind is feeling numb to me. I should probably rest. With all my love I wish you the best of luck.
-from E in Portland Oregon

I was able to get Immediatism back from the anarchist when I stopped by the open mic at Cafe Lena to see if I could find some people that I had lost touch with. The reading itself is much less appealing than it once was. The place is twice as crowded as it was when we went there and it now seems to be more of an exhibitionists forum. The heckling is more frequent, twice as offensive and, at best, half as witty as before and each reader seems invariably to begin their turn with some crass remark about the last reader. This and stiff joints from standing for hours has kept me from returning.

After finding no one I was looking for I was starting to leave and had the book thrust in front of me. The anarchist thanked me for loaning it to him, after I thanked him for returning it, and offered no opinion on the book which told me that he was probably more of the rape-and-burn-alive-the-presidents-daughter variety of anarchist and found it a bit too soft.

I just got off of the phone with Tim who I don't get to talk to that often since he is at work so often, so we gave each other the highlights of our lives for the past two months and concluded by determining that his life is an episode of USA Up All Night and that mine is some cheesy Gen-X flick. I think that neither of us envied the other nor cared to brag about our own, classification.

I hope that everything I send arrives intact. I am still not sure how I am going to attach Hephaestus' Monocle so that it will survive its postal pilgrimage. If you would like to, I discovered that you can wear it on your hip (or elsewhere if you find a way) by attaching it to a belt loop.

For what reason, you may guess. Or I could make up some power that it symbolizes. OK to make clearer to its wearer the points of time in their life that are sensitive to change.

Ya know. The fluctuating periods of a persons life where anything they do could either change everything or have absolutely no effect at all depending on where in this cycle they are. Similar to your time flower. OK I made it up just for this thing I made but I think it works quite similarly to Tarot cards. Create a symbol, make up some meaning for it, and its probably true, The thing on the wall is called Fountain for Dead Flowers. Perhaps later.

I have not dated this letter because it has taken me so long to prepare all of this that I am almost embarrassed to. So much has happened, not with myself so much as with L, that even being involved in the second hand way that I am has left my concentration, at best, sporadic so my writing, especially my letters, feels quite disjointed.

I spoke with N briefly today. She sounds determined to move to the South now and has quit both the Green Room and Starbucks with the idea that she will start collecting unemployment until November (I think it was) and then take a train into the South. She seems much happier than she has in a while.

Yesterday I was playing solitaire, a very long version where you try to get cards to total 10+20 or 30 and remove them, when I realized that not only had I chosen this version because it took so long to play but that I was beginning to worry that I might win the round I was playing, I had played it for at least an hour a day for the past few days and had never won (it is also nearly impossible to win.) After remembering that I had watched T.V. the day before without much concern for what it was (Trinity Broadcast Network) and realizing that I did not actually want to win the game I decided that I had been courting escapism and that if I won I would either put the cards away and I would be alright or I would spend the rest of my life adding cards in my head. So now feeling a bit stronger, armed with this knowledge, I decided to play the game out and to purge some meaning or message out of the way it ended, which it did in a manner that I had never seen before. It ended in an infinitely repeating cycle with the last hew cards. I watched it cycle through a few times and layed down on my bed and laughed a bit. With some purpose in mind I wandered downstairs and heard that Valerie's CD player had hit a skip and was stuttering the same sound rather than jumping around a bit and moving on as they usually will. So with only an idea or two of what it could mean I called N today and after walking around with her for a while I feel much more... actualized. I couldn't remember when you said you would be leaving for Texas so I hope I can get this to you soon enough . I am looking forward to leaving now more than anything. I am perfectly happy about moving here but I feel that I've done what I wanted and that

if I stayed it would only be because it was easier than leaving which is what almost prevented me from coming in the first place.

I really should finish this letter. The fact that I am working on it now is showing unusual focus for me compared to this last month. I feel like every thought I have is trying to balance on a scale with a hundred treys on a single pivot. Or more simply I am indecisive which I think has made this letter a bit cold but it keeps me from playing solitaire. I hope YOU ENJOY TRAVELING THROUGH Texas especially considering how jaded you sounded when I first spoke to you on the phone after you moved back. I miss your company and even as close as L and I are becoming I rarely see her anymore since she is working two jobs taking two classes and looking for an apartment. Also we've only known each other for a few months and sometimes I miss the lucid familiarity of friends I have known for years. I am anxious to see you again and I imagine I will soon. If you can, send me a very Texan postcard.

April 27 1996

I was told yesterday that, should I choose, my current job could last until September and judging from the other jobs that were available before (hauling wood, machine shop work) I decided that wandering around a paint warehouse sounds much more agreeable, so I won't have to keep changing jobs for several months. I got a neat pair of steel toed boots out of the deal too!

Once more I am in the coffee shop near... whatever term you use to describe a house from which you rent a room, hardly my house, not an apartment, and to say the shop is near my room would seem to imply that it was in the hallway. But enough anguishing over lack of terminology. The place always seems busier than the night before and I think that the four drawings on the walls, all nude male figures from different angles (one of which is hung well beyond the capacity of the frame to reveal) were selectively chosen to repel families with soda-charged toddlers.

Whenever I try to establish a setting for a letter, invariably something will happen that forces me to stop writing or to change my setting, such as the coffee shop closing, leaving me with a few meagre lines relevant only to my setting and being so damned neurotic about my letters I will usually abandon it and start again at another time, which is why this letter has not been already written.

So no more setting. I exist no longer in physical settings! The hand that shapes this letter is crafted of a million particles of dust each miles and centuries apart converging as their settings swarm in and out of existence behind my pen, unaware.

This weekend I am taking L to see Hamlet. From reviews I have read I think that the language may have been modernized which I don't care for but I do owe L for cutting my hair and she seems to adore the play.

Thank you for sending the poem. If I can find something worthwhile I'll send it to you but there isn't much to choose from. I believe that living in someone else's house leaves my feeling spiritually sedated as though I should always be alert that I am not intruding. I have started to consider looking for somewhere else to live.

I had an opportunity to see a Stephen Hawking lecture but unfortunately geography and time made this impossible.

Mostly I have been thinking about the past, which I often curse myself for doing but I think it does motivate me occasionally. I think that I either need more time alone or more time intentionally with someone. But trashing the T.V. would be a good beginning.

Love + Remembrance,
E

1-20-98

Underwater is good--life is nicer underwater. Did you know one can
still smoke at the bottom of the lake? The only problem is the distance
between the fingertips and the things one touches increases turning to
suck--then contract on itself turning to Jell-O. Here's to keeping
those new year resolutions!
     -Muriel